It had arrived.

My hands were sweating just thinking of all the possibilities in this small paper package. All my hopes and dreams and sleepless nights cramming in textbook information and writing notes till my hand cramped were on one sheet of paper. My hands were sweating, itching to rip open the seal and look at my grade. What would it be? Back in the exam room I had been in a frenzy, my brain struggling to remember and organise mass amounts of information I had reviewed the nights before. When I had left the exam room I slumped against the wall for support. My legs felt like jello back then and they feel the same now. I slide onto the wooden kitchen chair my forearms pressing into the cold marble counter top. I feel its paper smoothness with my fingertips, the sharp edge of the corner. Closing my eyes I breathe out slowly, calming my racing pulse. Focus. Be calm. Its not like 12 years worth of schooling and mental breakdowns all narrowed down into a two digit number.

"Please,"I mutter under my breath. Please be a high score. I need to get into my top universities. I need a scholarship for the tuition or I wont be going. With one final bated breath I gingerly peel the seal back and take out the piece of paper.

At first, I kept my eyes squeezed shut. I began to see squiggly shapes under my eyelids, and I kept them closed for as long as I could before squinting at the single sided sheet in my hands. The one that defined my future. It felt stupid, that this little piece of paper with ink printed on it could define the trajectory of my life. But that's the way the world works.

I blew out a breath, dropping the paper on the countertop and resting my forehead in my clammy hands. Ugh, the sweat that had perspired and collected in my palms was now coating my face. My mom entered the kitchen and rubbed my shoulder. "So... how'd it go, dear?" I almost didn't want to tell her. I wanted to keep the scores to myself, keep it locked up inside me and refuse to even allow a whisper of my results out. But I had to do something about it sometime soon. Might as well be now.

"I..." I licked my lips, lifting my head to staring up at my mom. "I... I can go. I can go." is all I managed to pathetically push out. Saying it aloud gave me comfort. Comfort in the fact that the hard part was over. At least, for now.

Mom squealed and grabbed my hands, jumping up and down on the spot. She let go and threw her arms around, doing a little dance on the spot. "We're going out tonight to celebrate! Let me call your father and tell him. My little genius!" She moved away and pulled her phone out, ringing my dad. I turned away from her and looked down at the paper on the countertop, my eyes skimming over the words one more time. Just in case I had read it wrong the first time.

I guess the reality of what just happened hadn't hit me yet. All I wanted to do was fall into my bed and sleep for a million years. I tuned out my mom as I dragged myself upstairs to my room.

I could celebrate later. For now, I needed a long, long nap.