Entry 91. Reflections on Nietzsche.

Prefacing this, no additional reading is required to understand this journal. To whoever finds this, know that this isn't a dissertation, it's a confession.

I didn't actually want this conversation to be about debting Nietzsche. Or philosophy. Or anything really, but that's how it always goes with us, isn't it. Making idle chat out of words pulled from a glovebox, talking about everything and nothing to avoid ever discussing anything, letting the words soup up the room with the air growing thicker and thicker and thicker–

It gets tiring, doesnt it? Knowing two deeply insufferable people. Well I'm being quite presumptive there. I know for a fact that it is tiring to watch two people pretend to talk for hours on end. I'm assuming that whoever is reading this actually knows me, or either of us. Maybe you do though, and you love at least one of us enough for it to be endearing. Maybe you hate us enough you never have to endure it. Maybe no one is actually reading this and I really am losing my mind.

I'm doing it again. Where were we?

Right. I was in a room, trying not to discuss Nietzsche, wearing an unflattering, ill-fitting shirt and wishing I were almost anywhere else. You, reading this, are almost certainly wearing a better fitting shirt and also wondering why this book has so much blood on it. As it happens, I'm getting to that. How serendipitous.

So, why Nietzsche? Well he came up quite naturally. As you'd expect, knowing the situation we were in (assuming you've been reading this book in order and not skipping around) I was thinking about regrets – my numerous regrets – for reasons that should be obvious. I turned to him, and asked:

"If you could only redo your life in a linear order - age 15 to now, not ages 12, 17, and half of 21, for example - then how far back could you stand to go? And how far could you go before it would change things irrevocably in a way that would make your life alien to you? I'd assume everyone could go back and live the last day of their life again, but, assuming you retain all knowledge and ability to make your own choices, could you relive the last week of your life? The last month, or year, or decade? How far before it isn't worth it?"

Pensive, he turned to me then, and asked if I knew I was talking about Nietzsche's principle of eternal return. Unimpressed I explained to him that Nietzsche's argument was not the same as my proposed thought experiment. Eternal Return is a life affirming philosophy asking that if you had to live your life exactly as it is, over and over, would you be content with that? It suggests you should live well, and embrace as much of life as possible, so that it is meaningful to experience not just for its novelty but for the wonder it can bring, and asks students of that philosophy to consider if living their lives in an infinite loop would overall be a blessing or a curse.

My question on the other hand was if you retained the same decision making capacity and you could change your life, but you had to live linearly the outcome of any changes you made, what could you tolerate and what could you alter without irrevocably altering yourself or those around you. They were clearly entirely different philosophical premises and the fact he looked at me slightly smug slightly bemused asking me if I 'knew about Nietzsche"

Fuck you I know about Nietzsche do you know your arse from your mouth you aggravating little-

Apologies. I'm tired. I find Nietzsche to be the philosopher most similar to a mirrored swimming pool. Fun to play around with, might help you notice aspects of yourself from a new perspective, but ultimately not as deep as it looks.

It's so insular. If you can't control your life as it repeats, to a significant degree "living well" isnt exactly in your control. You could be subject to the horrors of war or the horrors of childhood. My question was about genuine regrets that you would know exactly how to change and could do so if you had the foreknowledge.

We both knew what I was talking about. I don't know what he brought up Nietzsche for.

End entry.