Chapter 1: The Gang of Four

“Mummy, I don’t want to go to school.”

Those were words I never said.

School wasn’t just a place for me. It was where everything happened — laughter, fights, secrets, and the kind of memories that don’t fade easily. It was my stage, even before I knew I was performing.

I was just two years old when my parents met Catherine’s parents. Same nursery school, same chaotic mornings, same tiny chairs and crayons. What started as polite conversations between parents slowly turned into something deeper — they became friends.

And without even realizing it, we did too.

Catherine and Kay were my first constants. We didn’t “become” friends — we simply were. From nursery to kindergarten, we were inseparable. Three tiny humans who believed the world was as small as our classroom and as big as our imagination.

Then came first grade.

That’s when Mathew and Dhruv entered our lives.

Five of us. A complete circle. Or at least, that’s what it looked like from the outside.

Because somehow, even though Dhruv was always there, it never felt like he belonged the way the rest of us did. Not in a bad way — just… distant. Like a character in a story who never got enough lines.

But the rest of us?

We were chaos.

Especially me and Mathew.

Our mothers were best friends — the kind who spoke for hours and laughed too loudly. And somehow, that energy passed down to us. Me and Mathew were exactly like them, just smaller and louder.

Everyone called us Tom and Jerry.

We fought over everything. Who got the window seat. Who cheated in a game. Who started the argument. Honestly, I don’t even remember most of the reasons now.

But I remember the feeling.

The comfort of knowing that no matter how big the fight was, we’d be talking again the next day like nothing happened.

Those fights weren’t cracks in our friendship.

They were proof of how strong it was.

Until sixth grade, we were everything friendship was supposed to be. No overthinking. No distance. No replacements.

Just us.

Chapter 2: The Silence Between Us

Then the world stopped.

Or at least, it felt like it did.

When COVID hit, everything changed. Classrooms turned into screens. Laughter turned into silence. And friendships… turned into notifications.

Sixth grade passed in a blur of online classes, muted microphones, and blank screens. People existed, but only as names in a participant list.

Somewhere in that quiet, we all drifted.

Not because we wanted to.

But because life didn’t give us a choice.

A year later, something small changed everything.

Phones.

Me and Catherine got ours around the same time. And all it took was one message.

“Hey.”

That one word carried an entire friendship back to life.

Even though we were in the same school all along, we hadn’t really spoken in over a year. It was strange — how someone could be so close and feel so far at the same time.

But slowly, message by message, call by call, we found our way back.

By the middle of seventh grade, it felt like we had rebuilt something we thought we had lost.

But here’s the thing about time.

It doesn’t just pass.

It changes people.

Chapter 3: New People, New Feelings

When we came back, everything was… different.

Everyone had new friends. New inside jokes. New versions of themselves.

And that’s when I noticed her.

Nishika.

A quiet name on my screen during online classes. Camera always off. Voice rarely heard. Someone I had already decided I would never talk to.

Funny how life works.

Because somehow, without planning it, without even realizing when it started — she became my best friend.

Out of nowhere.

And somewhere in between late-night chats and shared secrets, something shifted.

Catherine felt it too.

That tiny distance. That quiet replacement.

No one said it out loud, but it was there.

And honestly?

That happens in almost every friendship.

We just don’t like admitting it.

Chapter 4: The First Love

Among all the chaos, there were others too.

PS — the only boy who could match my energy, my randomness, my chaos. Being around him felt easy, like I didn’t have to filter myself.

And then…

There was Yash.

At first, he was just another classmate. Another face in a crowded room.

But slowly, something changed.

The way I noticed him more.

The way my mood shifted around him.

The way his name started meaning something.

I didn’t tell many people. Just Krish — my classmate and tuition mate.

That was my first mistake.

Because Krish didn’t keep it to himself.

He told Mathew.

Mathew didn’t react much. He never really did when it came to things like this. But somehow, the silence felt louder than words.

And then, Catherine found out too.

I never told her.

Maybe deep down, I knew what would happen.

And I was right.

She told Yash.

Just like that.

No warning. No hesitation.

For the next three months, he ignored me completely.

No eye contact. No conversations. Nothing.

And that silence?

It hurt more than any fight ever had.

Chapter 5: Almost Forever

Just when I thought it was over… it wasn’t.

One random day, his friends came to me and said something I never expected.

“Yash likes you too.”

For a moment, everything felt unreal.

All that pain. All that overthinking.

And suddenly, hope.

December 22nd.

That’s when it happened.

We got committed.

Three months.

It doesn’t sound like much.

But when you’re feeling everything for the first time, three months can feel like forever.

Every message mattered. Every call felt special. Every small moment felt like something big.

It was new.

It was exciting.

It was mine.

Until it wasn’t.

On our third-month anniversary, everything ended.

Not slowly.

Not gently.

But all at once.

Yash cheated.

And just like that, my first love turned into my first heartbreak.

Chapter 6: What It Left Behind

People say first love is special.

They don’t always tell you what happens when it breaks.

It left behind more than just memories.

It left trust issues.

Anger.

Overthinking.

And a kind of sadness that doesn’t leave easily.

The kind that stays in the background, even when you’re smiling.

But maybe…

That’s how growing up works.

Chapter 7: A New Beginning That Didn’t Feel New

Ninth grade arrived like a fresh page.

New school. New classrooms. New faces.

But not everything changed.

Catherine was still there. Nishika too. A few familiar faces in a sea of strangers — just enough to make the new place feel less intimidating.

Still, something felt… off.

Maybe it was because I had already learned something important by then:

New beginnings don’t always mean starting over.

Sometimes, they just mean continuing with a slightly different version of yourself.

That’s when I met them.

Sam.

And SK.

Chapter 8: The Mirror of the Past

It didn’t take long for things to start shifting again.

Within a week, something obvious unfolded — Cath and SK liked each other.

The way they looked at each other. The way their conversations lingered longer than necessary. It was subtle, but not invisible.

And then there was Sam.

SK’s best friend.

The way they were together reminded me of something I couldn’t ignore.

Me and Catherine.

The same comfort. The same unspoken understanding. The same we come as a pair energy.

It was strange… watching something that once defined my life now exist between someone else.

And maybe that’s why I noticed Sam more than I expected to.

Or maybe…

It was always meant to happen.

Chapter 9: July 22nd

Sometimes, feelings don’t arrive slowly.

They just… happen.

One moment, he was just someone I knew.

The next, he was someone I couldn’t stop thinking about.

Sam wasn’t loud. He didn’t try too hard. But there was something about him — something calm, something steady — that pulled me in.

And before I could overthink it…

July 22nd happened.

We confessed.

No dramatic setup. No perfect timing.

Just honesty.

“I like you.”

“I like you too.”

And just like that, everything changed.

Chapter 10: The Kind of Love That Felt Safe

Being with Sam felt different.

Not like the chaos of my past. Not like confusion or overthinking.

It felt… safe.

The way he spoke to me.

The way he cared.

The way he made me feel like I mattered — like I was enough.

And I loved him.

Not in a small, unsure way.

But in that overwhelming, this means everything to me kind of way.

For once, love didn’t feel like something I had to chase.

It felt like something I could hold.

Chapter 11: The Day Everything Stopped

But life doesn’t always let things stay peaceful.

One day, everything broke.

Sam got caught at home.

For loving a girl.

For loving me.

And just like that…

We were forced into silence.

No warning.

No “we’ll figure this out.”

Just… gone.

Chapter 12: The Year Without Him

Days turned into weeks.

Weeks turned into months.

And slowly, it became a year.

A whole year without him.

No calls.

No texts.

No “how are you?”

Just emptiness where something once existed.

It’s strange how silence can be louder than words.

How you can miss someone even when you’re trying your best not to.

Life didn’t pause for me.

School continued. People laughed. Conversations happened.

But somewhere inside, there was a part of me that stayed stuck on July 22nd.

Waiting.

Chapter 13: The Confession That Changed Everything

While I was learning how to live with silence…

Life threw something unexpected at me.

Krish.

Before leaving tuition because of his studies, he told me something I never saw coming.

“I’ve liked you for a long time.”

It should’ve been a normal confession.

But it wasn’t.

Because it came at the wrong time.

In the wrong way.

And from the wrong place in my heart.

Instead of feeling flattered…

I felt shocked.

Uncomfortable.

Almost… angry.

And somehow, that feeling turned into something close to hate.

Not because he did something wrong.

But because I wasn’t ready to hear it.

Chapter 14: Back to Two

Before all of this, tuition had its own little world.

Me, Mathew, and Krish.

A small group. A familiar routine.

But after Krish left…

It was just me and Mathew again.

Just like before.

And just like always — we fought.

Over small things.

Over nothing.

Over everything.

Even our tuition teacher got tired of it, constantly telling us to stop.

But some things never change.

And maybe… some things aren’t meant to.

Chapter 15: The Space That Brought Us Closer

Somewhere in between all those arguments and everyday moments…

Something shifted.

Again.

There was no third person anymore.

No one in between.

Just me and Mathew.

And strangely…

That made me happy.

Not in a loud, obvious way.

But in a quiet, almost guilty way.

Because this time, our closeness felt different.

Deeper.

More real.

Like we weren’t just kids fighting over silly things anymore.

We were becoming something else.

Something I didn’t fully understand yet.

But I could feel it.

And maybe…

That was the beginning of something new.

Chapter 16: The Language Only We Spoke

That year didn’t feel normal.

Not when a part of my heart was missing.

Not when silence had taken the place of someone who once meant everything.

But somehow…

I wasn’t alone.

Because Mathew was there.

What started as just “us again” slowly became something more. We talked about everything — random thoughts, old memories, things that didn’t make sense to anyone else.

And somewhere in between, we created our own world.

A world built on jokes no one else would understand.

The kind of humor that didn’t need explaining.

The kind where one look was enough to make us laugh.

It was effortless.

Natural.

Like we had always been this way… and maybe we just hadn’t noticed before.

Chapter 17: The Things We Never Named

Closeness isn’t always loud.

Sometimes, it’s in the smallest things.

The way we’d sit closer than necessary.

The way our hands would brush — not accidentally, but not intentionally either.

The way I’d playfully bite his hand… and he’d just let me.

No reaction.

No pulling away.

Just… acceptance.

If anyone else saw it, they might have called it weird.

Or questioned it.

Or tried to label it.

But we never did.

Because it wasn’t love.

It wasn’t a crush.

It wasn’t anything simple.

It was something in between.

Something unnamed.

Something that existed without needing a definition.

And maybe that’s what made it so real.

Chapter 18: Two Stories Happening at Once

While I was building this strange, quiet closeness with Mathew…

Another part of me was still breaking.

Sam.

Even in his absence, he was still there.

In my thoughts.

In my waiting.

In the silence that never really left.

And then I found out something that made everything heavier.

Sam had been seeing his old crush.

The same girl.

In our class.

It felt like something inside me dropped.

Not shattered.

Not exploded.

Just… sank.

Because what right did I have to feel anything?

We weren’t talking.

We weren’t “us” anymore.

And yet…

It hurt.

But then again…

What was I doing?

I was here, getting closer to Mathew.

Sharing things with him I never shared with anyone else.

Standing in a space that didn’t belong to just friendship anymore.

So maybe…

We were both moving on.

Just in different ways.

Chapter 19: The Pride I Didn’t Expect

Time doesn’t stop for feelings.

Exams came.

Pressure built.

And slowly, tenth grade reached its end.

Results day felt heavier than usual.

Not just for me — but for everyone.

And then…

Mathew’s marks came.

96 in Mathematics.

Ninety-six.

I don’t know why, but the moment I heard it, I felt this sudden rush of happiness.

Like it was my achievement too.

Like his success meant something personal to me.

I felt proud.

Genuinely proud.

And in that moment, something shifted again.

It wasn’t just comfort anymore.

Or familiarity.

It was respect.

A deeper kind of admiration.

The kind that stays longer than feelings.

Chapter 20: The Password

The last day of tuition didn’t feel real.

It felt like something was ending, even if no one said it out loud.

There were no dramatic goodbyes.

No emotional speeches.

Just small moments.

Quiet ones.

And then, out of nowhere…

Mathew gave me his account password.

Just like that.

No explanation.

No reason.

I didn’t question it.

I just… took it.

And I gave him mine too.

But later, I changed it.

I don’t even know why.

Maybe fear.

Maybe overthinking.

Maybe I wasn’t ready to give someone that kind of access.

I told him to change his too.

He never did.

And that…

That stayed with me.

Because it wasn’t just about a password.

It felt like something else.

Something unspoken.

Like a quiet message hidden between actions.

You’ll always have a part of me.

Chapter 21: The Year That Didn’t Break Me

That year had every reason to break me.

Silence from someone I loved.

Confusion I couldn’t explain.

Feelings I couldn’t name.

Moments that didn’t make sense.

And yet…

It didn’t.

Because even in the middle of everything…

I wasn’t alone.

I had people.

The kind who made me laugh when I didn’t feel like smiling.

The kind who stayed, even when things got complicated.

The kind who became my safe place without even trying.

And maybe that’s the truth no one talks about enough—

Sometimes, it’s not love that saves you.

It’s friendship.

Chapter 22: The Love That Never Left

After a year of silence…

We started talking again.

Me and Sam.

It wasn’t dramatic. There was no big “let’s fix everything” moment. No apologies that explained the past. No promises about the future.

Because the truth was—

We didn’t need a patch-up.

We had never really ended.

Our love had just… paused.

And now, it continued like it had been waiting all along.

Talking to him again felt familiar.

Comforting.

Like returning to a place that still remembered me.

And deep inside, my heart never questioned it.

Sam was still my love.

My truth.

Chapter 23: The One Who Never Left

But Sam wasn’t the only one who stayed.

Mathew never left either.

Not completely.

Not in the way that mattered.

He was still there—

In my days.
In my thoughts.
In the spaces between everything else.

And somewhere, quietly, I started believing something.

Maybe foolishly.

Maybe unrealistically.

But I believed it anyway.

That I was his dream love.

Not because he said it.

But because he made me feel it.

Sometimes.

Chapter 24: Signals That Felt Like Storms

With Mathew, nothing was ever simple.

He wasn’t constant.

He wasn’t clear.

He was… unpredictable.

One day, I felt like I meant everything to him.

Like I was the center of his attention.

Like I mattered more than anyone else.

And the next day?

He’d turn cold.

Distant.

Like I was just another person.

No explanation.

No reason.

Just silence.

It felt like a rollercoaster I never chose to get on.

But somehow…

I never got off either.

Chapter 25: Delulu, But Honest

I knew what it looked like.

I knew what people would call it.

Delusion.

Overthinking.

Imagining things that weren’t real.

But here’s the truth—

I wasn’t blind.

I saw the inconsistency.
I felt the confusion.

And still…

I stayed.

Not because I didn’t understand.

But because I chose to believe in the possibility.

So yes—

Maybe I was delulu.

But I was honest about it.

And sometimes, that honesty hurts more than denial.

Chapter 26: The Forbidden Space

It wasn’t just complicated.

It was forbidden.

Not in the dramatic, “the world is against us” kind of way.

But in the quieter, more painful way.

Wrong timing.

Unclear feelings.

Unspoken boundaries.

And everything that stood in between us.

So I learned something I never thought I would.

How to feel everything…

And show nothing.

Chapter 27: The Art of Pretending

I learned how to walk past him like he didn’t matter.

How to look away before my eyes gave me away.

How to act normal…

Even when my heart wasn’t.

Every glance had to be controlled.

Every reaction had to be hidden.

Because some feelings don’t need to be exposed.

They just need to be survived.

Chapter 28: The Boy Who Never Said Anything

And then…

There was him.

Mathew.

He never confessed.

Never crossed the line.

Never gave me something real enough to hold onto.

But he never left either.

He stayed—

In the same places.
At the same time.
In the same quiet coincidences that felt too perfect to be accidental.

It was confusing.

Because if he felt nothing…

Why was he always there?

Chapter 29: Almost Everything

If my love felt forbidden…

His felt like a dream.

Not because it was perfect.

But because it was never clear.

It lived in fragments.

In incomplete moments.

In things that almost happened.

Almost conversations.

Almost confessions.

Almost truths.

He never chased me.

I never reached for him.

And yet…

We were never strangers.

Chapter 30: The Space Between Knowing and Silence

We existed in a place that didn’t have a name.

Somewhere between—

Knowing
and
never saying.

Days passed like that.

Quietly.

With glances that lasted a second too long.

With timing that felt too perfect to be coincidence.

With a connection that refused to disappear…

No matter how much we ignored it.

Chapter 30: The Space Between Knowing and Silence

We existed in a place that didn’t have a name.

Somewhere between—

Knowing
and
never saying.

Days passed like that.

Quietly.

With glances that lasted a second too long.

With timing that felt too perfect to be coincidence.

With a connection that refused to disappear…

No matter how much we ignored it.

Chapter 32: What Almost Was

In the end…

Our story was never about what happened.

Because nothing really did.

There were no confessions.

No labels.

No beginnings.

And no endings.

It was about what almost happened.

And sometimes…

Those “almosts” stay longer than anything real ever could.

Chapter 33: The Love I Chose, The Feeling I Kept

I knew one thing clearly.

I had given everything to Sam.

All of it.

And I never doubted it.

I loved him the most.

I still do.

But even with that truth…

There was another one I couldn’t ignore.

Somewhere inside me—

Mathew still existed.

Not loudly.

Not fully.

But enough.

Always enough.

Chapter 34: The Password He Never Changed

I still have his account.

The one he gave me that day.

The one he never changed.

I don’t check it.

I don’t use it.

But I keep it.

Because it feels like more than just a password.

It feels like something unspoken.

Something he never explained.

Maybe it means nothing.

Or maybe…

It’s his quiet way of saying—

I trusted you with a part of me.

And maybe, in some strange way…

He still does.

Chapter 35: Same Place, Different Us

Then came eleventh grade.

And with it…

Something I never expected.

I was asked to join Mathew’s school.

Same building.

Same hallways.

Same classrooms filled with the same noise.

Same air we both breathed in.

For a moment, it felt like life was giving us something back.

Like maybe—

after everything,
after all the almosts,
after all the silence—

we’d find our way back to each other again.

But life doesn’t always return things the way we imagine.

Because this time…

It felt like we had never known each other at all.