It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents.

Huh? Whence arose this puerile purple prose? A full moon has driven away the darkness. Stormy? Not at all. Only the lightest zephyr blew, and we haven’t had rain in months.

Here I sit atop my doghouse with my venerable typewriter, recounting the happenings in this tiny village, and this nonsensical text erupts and blocks my way.

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary.

Well, yeah, it’s around midnight, but certainly not dreary. This is the night of the full moon, and the sky is clear. Fireflies in their dozens; stars in their millions. A meteor speeds towards the distant horizon. And I’m feeling fine, not at all weak and weary.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Now is the winter of our discontent.

Midnight. Moonlight. A peaceful, sylvan glade. A Midsummer Night. “To sleep- perchance to dream.” Nay, Morpheus begone! Tonight, we revel as if ‘twere Twelfth Night!”

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil

NOW STOP THAT!!! This is no garden, but a clearing among the tall pine trees. And it is neither Good nor Evil; those are attributes of Humans, not of Nature!

I believe the purple prose has faded, perhaps it is now merely a pastel lavender.

The typewriter has settled down and is ready to work.

Rocky Raccoon, Franklin Fox, and Bob Cat were talking with a mighty bear.

Rocky said, “C’mon Bear! We’re hungry and we want to steal some food from the Humans.”

Bob followed Rocky. “We need your Herculean strength to open the Dumpsters and barrels.”

Bear replied, “Gee, guys! I don’t know. I’m not at all hungry now, since I found that dead deer by the highway.”

Franklin was more insistent. “What if you could get a special treat, something rare that you seldom taste?”

“What would that be?”

“The taco truck serves burros! They’re a favorite food for the humans! You like human food, don’t you?”

“Uh, yeah. Mmmm, apple pie!”

“Will you help us out?”

“Yeah, okay.”

Within minutes, the barrels and Dumpsters were all tipped over, and garbage was strewn about the parking lot. Franklin immediately went for the carnitas. Rocky found half a guava. Tassel-eared squirrels seized the pepitas and tortilla chips. Bob’s prize was the remains of a fish that had been filleted. Chipmunks scurried about, stuffing their cheeks with crumbs of biscotti and biscochitos [the official State Cookie of this Land of Enchantment]. Everyone scarfed up the few scraps of bacon. Skunk ate a Serrano pepper, which he soon regretted as he became gassy and bloated; when he farted, his anus felt the fire. His defensive scent glands unloaded at the same time – indescribable stench!

Bear felt an uncomfortable sensation in his middle. A rumbly in his tummy, starting soft and low like a small earthquake. He grumbled, “Hey, where’s my burro?” Fox replied, “I guess the big burros have all run off. Here, try one of these little burritos. They’re full of meat and beans; there’s cheese and a tasty sauce on top.” Bear ate one and quickly reached for another; however, he wasn’t willing to admit that he enjoyed his meal.

A yearling bear found a large bowl of some brown, squishy stuff. “Brother Bear, what do you think this is?” “Gee, Sister Bear, I don’t know. It looks like what Papa Bear does in the woods.” “Well, it doesn’t smell like that. In fact, it smells tasty.” Brother Bear dipped a paw in the mysterious substance and took a small taste. “Sister, I’m not sure we should eat this stuff. Look, under the brown stuff there’s lots of green stuff.” Brother wiped his paw on the Dumpster; he liked the way the smear looked. He took another pawful and rubbed that on the side of the Dumpster, too. “Hey, this is kinda fun!” Sister joined him and soon they were just painting away.

A mule deer and her two yearling fawns came to edge of the parking lot. Was there food there? Was it safe? She didn’t see any large predators. She cautiously approached the remaining food. What’s this flat, green thing? She sniffed it; it smelled somewhat familiar, but she just wasn’t sure about it. She tried a nibble. Okay, it tastes a little like asparagus. In a moment, she and her fawns were enjoying the nopales.

There was just a hint of dawn as the animals completed their feast and returned to their homes in the forest. As the daytime birds awoke, they realized that there was a great deal of food lying near the taco truck. Ravens, magpies, and crows soon arrived to devour any scraps of meat. Songbirds found crumbs and other tidbits, including the insects that were also there. Rabbits ate bits of lettuce and other garden vegetables.

Hasta la próxima.