Dear Diary,

I love my home in the thriving metropolis of Walmart Superstore, but I really want to see more. Are there other stores like Walmart? I remember once hearing the really fancy lipstick couple across the aisle talking about a Freddy’s? Who would name a store Fred? I am getting so stir-crazy in this miniscule cardboard holder. At school today my teacher Miss Lip Scrub had to tell me four times to stop fidgeting. I told her to get me out of here. Not my finest hour.

Yours truly,

Carly the stir-crazy Chapstick

Dear Diary,

Today was interesting. It’s weird how much you can learn about a person from being real up close to their nostrils. It’s rather unfortunate to say that I have a lot of experience. People just can’t seem to figure out that the Chapsticks with the hideous and bright orange ‘tester’ labels are for sniffing. NOT the nice, unopened and pristine Chapsticks like me! What has this world come to?! Anyway, I got REAL up-close and friendly with three (technically four if you count the baby) sets of nostrils.

The first set was a lady so old her wrinkles slid from her double chin and bulged in flabby chunks on her neck. She obviously couldn’t see, so she popped off my cap with a surprisingly agile thumb and brought me up to her nose. And you thought horror movies were scary?!

Later, after a breakdown from that terror of a snout, a tall and pudgy guy, with a poorly maintained beard poked his head into the aisle. He tentatively stepped down the lane, and looking around as if his buddies could see him, he swiped some beauty products and stuffed them in his basket. With extreme and ridiculous hesitation, he practically tiptoed in my direction. He grabbed two of my neighbors and tossed them in the basket, then his eyes landed on me. Poor, poor, unfortunate, soon to be traumatized me. He seized me in his grubby hand and took a tentative sniff. I tried to tell him that since he had 34 hairs in his left nostril and 27 in his right, he should really get them trimmed so they could be even. I don't think he heard me though. Oh, well.

Shortly after I met the third and fourth set of nostrils. Yay me. It was a young mom and horror of horrors, her young toddler. The little spawn of the devil was propped up on her hip and playing with her poor mother’s hair. The bedraggled mother (who really needed to use some under-eye cream) walked over to my section and scanned the flavor list. After making her selection (me)she pulled off my cap and sniffed. I was dismissed, but not for long. She turned to the lip masks and tossed me into her basket. Only to be snatched by her baby. The toddler took it upon herself to test my scent alongside her mother. She uncapped me again and to my severe dismay, gave me a quick lick to the top. Now, I’m not one to be bothered if someone doesn’t like my scent. I figure I have my preferences, they have theirs. But the pure look of unbridled disgust on that toddler’s face, would make any Chapstick offended.

Yours truly,

Carly the significantly offended Chapstick