August 9th, 1974,

Dear, Diary,

I told myself I would never love again. I guess I lied, because here I was getting ready for my first date since Leo died.

He fought in the war, shame he died. He was so sweet. I swore I would never love again after Leo. He was my whole world, we were going to get married when he came home.

I miss him with all my heart. Yet, here I am, I had to move on at some point I suppose.

I just never thought it'd be so soon, it's only been two years. I wanted to wear my pearl necklace, the one Leo gave me before he left for Vietnam, but my friend, Shannon told me not to.

"It'll bring back too many sad memories for you, Nance. It's not good for a first date." She said. Shannon's three years older than me I usually listen to what she says, and she's right. I shouldn't.

A lot of the stuff I own reminds me of Leo, I had to buy a whole new dress and shoes just because of it.

Too much hassle, if you ask me. But, my mother said I need to get back in the dating pool. "Leo was a great man but you can't just swear off love, Nancy."

I agree but it doesn't feel right too. I made a promise to myself that I would never love again. I don't think I should love again. Yet, here I am. Leaving my house with my brand new dress and brand new heels for my first date in two years since my fiancé died.

Love,

Nancy Woods.

Dear Diary,

Nance has that date today. Y'know, the big ceremonial first-date. It's with some guy from her work, Gareth, I think, or maybe Jared. I wasn't really listening on the phone. I sorta envy her, y'know? She gets to make a big thing out of it, her first date since Leo, and yeah, it's sad, but no one seemed to give a shit about me. The town bicycle, at it again with any Tom, Dick or Harry that'll have her. No one gave a shit when Ronnie died, but they all saw it coming, the big oaf with too many guns and not enough brain.

I don't think Nance ever knew about Ronnie.

I never told her. What was I supposed to say? Hey, you know how you lost your sweet fiancé in the war? Well I lost mine too, except mine shot himself cleaning a rifle he had no business owning, and everyone in town said good riddance. No. You don't say that. You just don't.

So I kept my mouth shut and I helped her pick out a dress that didn't remind her of Leo, and I told her to leave the pearl necklace at home, and I was happy for her. I am happy for her. I mean it.

It's just funny, is all. The way grief has a pecking order. Leo was handsome and gentle and he died a hero, so Nancy gets casseroles and phone calls and her mother holding her hand. Ronnie was loud and messy and he died stupid, so I got a closed casket and a landlord asking when I'd be clearing out his things.

I've been on plenty of dates since. That part's true. I'm not sitting around pining. But I'll tell you something I've never written down before. Every single one of them, I spent the whole night pretending I wasn't comparing them to him. Not because Ronnie was so wonderful. Just because he was mine, y'know? He was the one I had.

Anyway. I hope Nance has a good time tonight. I really do. Gareth-or-Jared better be worth the new dress.

She deserves something good happening to her.

We both do, I suppose.

Shannon Mallory