This is so fun! I love all the rules and info-packing in this first chapter. You really made it seem like an actual event. Great job!

Aw, sweet little boy!

I'd sob too, js.

CIA BOB! That man's everywhere! :)

Way too much going on here...scale it back and add more gritty details!

I love how kissing Reiner automatically means kiling Berthodt. Like, dude. What'd B ever do to you?

So TillyTad is basically 100,000,000,000 years old? Or is he 1, 400 years old? There's a big difference there, but either way he still would be the oldest man in the world. Love this start!

We really need to work on separating character dialogue and figuring out scenes. Your line of thinking is good, but your execution is gonna need some work :)

You might be the first to ever think people sing about wanting to join the army. Once you're in, then you sing! :)

Got your "Where" and "were" mixed up, but this is an improvement.

Atamari is a cool name. But I agree with Chesterfield...we need more info!

Nemo? haha

We sure have a lot of work to do, don't we?!?

Who's willy? :)

Wish my mom had been that understanding....don't go to school, just sleep. :) Headaches usually worked for me though, lol.

No More MURDER! hahaha

haha, totally Not intentional, but definitely something I do (a lot). I also tend to change character names b/c I can't remember from one chapter to another what I named them (especially if they aren't important to that particular chapter). lol.

It definitely has potential, but I'd have to flesh out a plot b/c it was a dream I had.

Poor kid!

Be careful what you wish for kids!